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Saturday, May 13, 2017

Dear Old Me

I was away for some time and I even thought that maybe I should stop blogging, but then I understood that maybe I shouldn`t, because I really enjoy doing it. It`s like my own little world where I can express myself and  share my life  with you. This particular post is going to be a long one and I thought a lot if I should write about this on my blog or not. It is a very personal topic, but maybe it`s also time for you to get to know me a little better. 
A few moths ago I went through the hardest few months of my life. One night I was about to wake up at 4 am and it felt like a nightmare. Well, actually I hadn`t been sleeping normally for a couple of weeks already, I felt that something was not right, but at the same time I said to myself that I overthink and it`s all ok. My trust was compleately broken from the person I thought would never do that. The person I grew up with, the person I started dating before high school, college, blogging, work etc. And throught that journey of these years I started putting my identity as a "girlfriend".... never just Carina. So, when I lost him I lost myself, because I was just Carina for the first time  and I was`t ready for it.
After this I learnt that it`s never good time for a change. I thought I knew who I was but I didn`t and that was  scary. I started hiding behind social media, my friends, my colleagues and followers, but inside there was someone screaming who just wanted to be herself and feel free. And I was angry at myself, because I knew I was changing and I started to look at my old photos and I wanted to see that Carina, but I knew that I´m not that Carina anymore. And I was`t used to that. I used to put on this face all the time. It was always about what everyone else thought, it was never how about I felt.  There were always so many  questions in my head. I mean  not when I was with this person, most of the times I was 100% myself,  but when there was his family or friends  involved, I always questioned myself: Am I good enough? Am I wearing the right clothes? Is my make-up perfect? Aren`t my hair too greasy? It was always about making that impession to be that "normal" girlfriend. But I have never been just the girl next door, but I tried to become her. 
Also, I hit that rock bottom. I didn`t wanna wake up. I just wanted to keep escaping from reality and go back to bed. I did`t even want to sleep, I just wanted to lay in my bed and stay there for days.  Then I realised that I can`t hide from it, I had to face it. I had to sit on it, and feel depressed, and cry, and be alone, and sleep. And I wasn`t even crying over losing someone in my life. I cried because I was so confused.  I admit it, it felt like s**t. But at least I was honest with myself. If I wanted to curse, I cursed. If I wanted to smoke those 2 packs of cigarettes a day, I did that, even though I don`t smoke. If I wanted to dance in the club all night long and drink, I did that too. And if I wanted to dye my hair and wear my piercings again, I did that. And I realised if someone behaves like this, then I should leave. I thought that I have to keep in touch with this person for some reasons, but no. I understood that I`m so much more than some responsibilities. 
I stood in front of the mirror and said "Stop being afraid to love yourself". I understood that I can be who I am and who I want to be. It`s all up to me. Today, I look at myself in the mirror and I know that`s who I am, and that`s totally ok. When I started to put myself first, everything started to change. I`m actually comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Change is scary, but I`m growing up, I`m not supposed to stay the same. I`m gonna be better from this, I`m going to be stronger from this and I know that I`m going to be really happy with who I become. Also, I know that this person needed to find happiness and I needed to find happiness. This all had to happen so I could find myself.


top - New Yorker / pants - Terranova





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19 comments:

  1. All he probably wanted from you was that you were yourself. He probably didnt care what his friends thought. He probably felt lonely and unloved because of all that. He probably got lost also in that process and was confused all the time what to do. But w/e thats what i think. All you had to do was to be yourself and show him love more? Sorry..

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    1. I know that, but for some reasons I couldn`t be myself. But in the end it all had to happen so I could finally find myself and he could find happiness.

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  2. Such a cute cat :)
    I follow your blog, can you check mine?
    www.prettyinpink.pt

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  3. This is so beautiful ;) I feel you ;) love your hair btw!
    TheNotSoGirlyGirl // Instagram // Facebook

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  4. Great post, beautiful photos <3 this cat is so sweet :) your hair are amazing, you have a lovely face :)
    http://wooho11.blogspot.com/ - i invite <3 follow me-will respond with

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  5. Special post and is always so intense and difficult to open our heart like this! Love to see that you have a friend that I´ll always be with you ;)kiss

    Coco and Jeans By Marisa

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  6. Replies
    1. Thank You! Have a great day too, Marisa! :)

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